A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. “One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!”

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice then calls out “One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!”

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again “One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!”

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There’s two of them!”

How do you Sink an Irish Submarine?Knock on the Door.

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to go to war. On the first day they were lining up for guns. He was toward the end of the line and, when they got to him the supply sergeant said they didn’t have any more guns, so they gave him a broom and told him to point it at people and say,“Bangitty bangitty bang!” So he thought, “Oh great, I come out here to fight for my country and they give me a broom.”
Then the next day they were lining up for bayonets and he was at the back of the line again. And when they got to him, again he was told they didn’t have any left, so they gave the soldier a carrot and told him to tie it to the end of his broom, stab people with it and say,”Stabitty stabitty stab.” And he thought, “Yeah great, I’m gonna go out there and get killed. Just what I always wanted.”
So when they went out on the battlefield, the soldier walked out there and decided he’d at least try it out, rather than just stand there and be killed. So he went up to someone and said, “Bangitty bangitty bang!” and the guy fell over dead. So he thought, “My God! This actually works!
” He went up to another person and said, “Stabitty stabitty stab” and, again, the guy died. So he went around killing people with his broomstick and his carrot, thinking, “Wow! This is so cool!”
Then he sees this guy standing all by himself and the soldier thinks, “Easy target. I’m going to go get him.” So he goes over there and says, “Bangitty bangitty bang,” and nothing happens. He goes closer and does it again and still nothing happens. So the soldier thinks, “Oh no! It must be out of bullets! But how do you reload a broom?” So he gets closer and says “Stabbety stabbety stab.”“Stabitty stabbity stab.” And still nothing happens. But then the guy he was trying to kill ran over him! And, as he was running over the soldier, he said, “Tankitty tankitty tank.”

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel.Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College. His work was well respected, but after about 10 years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor’s degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him keep his job by getting “only” a master’s degree.So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA. On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John’s name. “Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we’ll be using?” he asked.”I *am* the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you’re using,” came the dry response.

How do you sink a polish submarine?Put it in water

1. The cucumber has left the salad.2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.3. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.7. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”.8. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.9. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits and then said “If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.” “Now, ” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

1)Sept. 17, 1955: Young Michael Jagger gets his lips caught in a Coke bottle for several hours.2)September 8, 1949: In Bavaria, Richard Strauss dies.
September 8, 1949: In Greece, Milos Muzak is born.3)November 17, 1984: “Don’t worry, Mr. Dylan, the novocaine will wear off *LONG* before your recording session.”4)October 31, 1975: At a costume party in Greenwich Village,a soldier, an Indian, a biker, a construction worker, a cop and a cowboy all decide, “This is too much fun to do just once a year!”5)July 23, 1956: Colonel Tom Parker says to Elvis, “Boy, you’re nothin’ but skin and bones. You better put on some weight,or people are gonna think you’re sick!”6)June 7, 1966: “Hey, chaps, I’d like you to meet my new girlfriend, Yoko.”7)August 15, 1953: Future songwriter Jimmy Webb forgets his slice of birthday cake outside. Moments later, it begins to rain.8)November 3, 1987: Knowing how much her kids loved “Star Wars,” a naive Tipper Gore rushes home with a newly-bought “Luke Skywalker and 2-Live Crew” CD.9)August 12, 1986: “Congratulations Mr. Hanson — it’s another boy!”10) September 6, 1977: Due to a misprint on his high school schedule, Kenny G. attends “Sax Education” class.11)July 29, 1974: “Soup or sandwich today, Ms. Cass?”12)August 16, 1969: At a party for her 11th birthday, Madonna Louise Ciccone is strangely unfazed when Vinny Martello
stuffs two ice cream cones down the front of her dress.

Their army!

EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME …

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, Outback or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail …NEVER-NEVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this
to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at