A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy’s girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. “Well” The friend said to the first guy… “That’s not so bad…” The first guy turns to him and says “Yea, That’s what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!”

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. “On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.” Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been unfaithful with two guys while he had been gone. She wanted to break up and she wanted any pictures of herself that he had back.So the Ranger did what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: “I’m sorry I can’t remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you. “

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

A soldier comes back from the Iraq war after two years to find that his wife has just had a baby.Puzzled, he goes to see his doctor.”Well,” The doctor explains, “It’s what we call a grudge baby.”"What’s that?” The confused soldier asks.”The result of someone having it in for you while you were away.”

The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.” The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

Next is Lucy. “Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don’t count your chicks before they are hatched.”

Billy is last to speak. He says, “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.”

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, “Don’t mess with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. “This is a talking dog,” he said. “And you can have him for five dollars.”
The neighbor said, “Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain’t no such animal.” Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. “Please buy me, sir,” he pleaded. “This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.” “Hey!” said the neighbor. “He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?” “Because,” said the seller, “I’m getting tired of all his lies.”

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.”You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I
don’t care where.”"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,”
admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”"No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him. “I’ll take it.”The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.”Never better.”The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”"Nope, I shut him up in no time” said the Navy guy.”How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.”He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the
sailor explained.”I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. “One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!”

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice then calls out “One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!”

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again “One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!”

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There’s two of them!”