My dad asked, “Do the last two months count?”

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe
pain."

"I know, but can’t you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…"

"Like this?"

"A little more…"

"Like this?"

"No. A little more…"

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au

Doctor: A shoebox.

Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”

“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.

“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

Doctor: Don’t worry about it. You’ll pass eventually.

Liz: I’m the examiner!