A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.”

The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?”

“Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.

Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s.”

“Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?”

“Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

“Then what?” says the distraught man.

“Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON’T FUCK HER!”

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn’t decide which one to marry.

He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure.

She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man.

I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment.

She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit.

Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.

The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn’t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.

The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride to be said, ‘White.’

The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, ‘Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?’

The woman replied, ‘I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector… God I miss him.’

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ‘Maxwell House Coffee’.

The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, ‘Satisfaction to the last drop…’

So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.

After a week, there was a message that read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses’.

So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says, ‘Full size, king size’.

And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one’s wedding. Mother is anxious.

After four weeks came the message: ‘British Airways’. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language “Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?”.

The wife replies in sign language, “if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you don’t want to have sex bite my left nipple twice”.

Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.

The husband replies “Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don’t want to have sex pull penis 27 times”.

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said “what the hell are you doing”.

She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. “But it really doesn’t seem to be working” she said.

The husband said “wait a minute I have an idea”. So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits.

She said “what are you doing”?

He said “well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten”!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems = with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.” If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it”. In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?”

The man thought for a while and said: “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: “Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

The woman was shocked, but said: “I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: “Why do you have all That money in the box?” To which the man answered:

“Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”