A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.

She thought a second, and then replied, “You’re going to die.”

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt’s sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal, however, that the sister was not as skilled with a blade as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to
be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with… a Misdeweiner!

I think my wife told me I don’t listen.

Once you’re married, sex is like poker. You don’t need a good partner, just a good hand.

A couple were celebrating their Golden Wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of the long and happy marriage.

‘Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,’ explained the husband. ‘We visited the Grand Canyon and took at trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That’s once.” We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone half a mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife took her little Derringer pistol out of her pocket and shot the mule.
‘I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, “That’s once.”’

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.

“Who was that?” Demands the wife.

“If you must know, that was my mistress.”

“Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!”

“Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?”

They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,

“Isn’t that Howard over there? Who’s he with?”

“That’s HIS mistress.”

“Oh… Well I think ours is cuter.”

Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.

“That was a nice gesture,” says the other man

“Oh”, replies the first man, “It was the least I could do, after all we were married for 25 years ”.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

One day, a man walks into a dentists office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars”, says the dentist.

“That’s a ridiculous amount!”, the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well…”, the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!”

“Okay”, says the dentist. “If I save on anaesthetics and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20″.

“Nope, moans the man, “it’s still too much!”. “Well”, says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”

“Marvellous!”, says the man, “Book my wife for next Tuesday.”

There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things.

A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement.

A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The man’s father asked what the doctor’s name was.

The man replied, “What’s the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?”

His dad looked confused and said, “Rose?”

“Yes that’s it… Hey, Rose… what’s the name of my doctor?”