The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses.”

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: “Mister, watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. “I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?” Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “Let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”

“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.” You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement

A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)

A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human

being.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me!’”

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

“Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from!”

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in a million become a human being.

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren’t funny — unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide…

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’ Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself.

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I’ll be three months on November

8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?

A: None. Q: Were there girls?

16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so?

A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.

The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week.” The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says, “Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died.” The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says “Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?”

The man then answers “I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office.”

What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start!

Q: What’s the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?

A: There’s skid marks in front of the deer!

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die !

What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice !!

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.

It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick !

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? Skeet.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy !

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!