It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion – Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he’s still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

Really Stupid People

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

“The effects are fleeting and lingering…” – Overheard in a hallway

“In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted.” – CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

“A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across.” – Announcer on KZOK radio

“He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that’s a mouthful!” – CBS baseball announcer

“An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement.” – Irish Politician on RTE radio

“This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation.” – BBC world service.

“We have two incredibly credible witnesses here.” – Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

“He’s going to step down ’til he’s back on his feet.” – Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart’s latest sex scandal

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, “Wash. Biol. Surv.” until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.