A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why in the world you want green golf balls?”

“Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!”

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!

Horrible? You think it`s horrible?

Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!

Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help, I’m a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!”, she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes”, he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to “ease his pain”. She began

to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, “Does that feel better?”

The man looked up at her and replied, “Yes, that feels pretty good… but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can’t believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.”

“Well, we were married for 25 years!”

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks: “Did we break that too?”

“Yes”, replies the man.

“Sorry. Do you live here?” the husband asks.

“No, actually, I’m a genie.” The man states. “I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I’m supposed to give you three wishes, but I’m keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what’ll they be?”

The husband thinks a moment: “First, make my wife a better golfer.”

“Poof! She’s a better golfer”, the genie announces.

“Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.”

“Poof! you get a million bucks a week”, the genie announces.

“Good. OK, what do you want?” asks the husband.

“For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife,” grins the genie.

“Hmmm”, the husband hesitated, “I guess that’s all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you’ve made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.”

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the “genie” says to the wife: “How long have you known your husband?”

“Ten years,” she replies.

“How long has he believed in this genie stuff?”

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

He’s totally enamoured with the golf ball because he’s never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer who’s perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and can’t figure it out. So he asks our man, “What the hell is all this?!”

To which he replies, “Oh they’re just golf balls.”

So the customs officer goes, “Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?”

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy put. He shouted, “Damn, missed again.”

The nun, shocked, warned him “God will get you for that.”

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed “Damn It! Missed again” the nun repeated her warning “God will get you for that!”

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out “Damn It! Missed again!”.

“Honey, I have a confession to make,” a guy told his bride. “I’m a golf nut. You’ll never see me on weekends during golf season.”

“Well, dear,” she murmured. “I have a confession to make too. I’m a hooker.”

“No big deal,” replied the groom. “Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!”

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid.  After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat?  I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!”  Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”