A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?” The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No. Think of another wish.” The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’… know how to make them truly happy…” The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.”The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka. I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so please turn my urine into vodka.”The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees into it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the
liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.The Russian yells to his wife, “Natasha, come quickly.” She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pees into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and
takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is still excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard so they can have some fun. She gets the glass but asks him “Boris, why do we only need one glass tonight?”Boris raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.”
The hardware engineer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie. “I want them both back after lunch” replied the project manager.

…has spent many days crossing the desert without
water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He’s crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie… “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”
“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

They had been stuck there for a long time and wanted to go home. One day they found a genie who said he would grant them one wish each. The english man said he wanted to go home and in a flash he was gone. The scots man wanted to go home and in a flash he was gone to. The irish man thought for a while and said,”Well im going to be a bit lonley here so could I have my two friends back?”

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstacy. For my last wish… “I’d like to give birth to twins”.

Benjamin Smith was the curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, although his primary job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him. “Master,” the genie began, “I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you — you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever.” Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny made his three wishes and became tremendously happy. Over the years, Benny’s beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch more and more. He tried to ignore it, but the itch constantly became worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn to stay there forever. The moral of the story: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED.

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c’mon, I’m sure there’s one buried in your desk too.) Since he’d heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and — oh, surprise — out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn’t even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there. Then the government worker — or, as I like to call him, civil servant — decided on his third wish, “I don’t want to do any work ever again!” and poof — ubiquitous ironic twist — he was back in his office.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says,
“Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I’m half dead.”

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie’s lamp.

The genie came out and said,” Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.”
The guy didn’t like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

“Genie, I want a house in Hawaii.” POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn’t make him happy but, he made his second wish.

“Genie,I want 2 billion dollars.” POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn’t very happy. The genie says,”You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.” The guy says,” Yeah,yeah.I know.” So the guy thinks real hard and says ”

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!”