Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, “You get one wish between the two of you–make it a good one.”

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. “Lemme handle this–I know just what to ask for!”

He looks at the genie and says, “We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!” The genie nods and says, “You got it, boys!”

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, “You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?”

“”Whadaya talking about?” the other fisherman answers. “I thought you’d like a lake-full of beer. What’s the problem?”

“I do like it…but the problem is…now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!”

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii.

“I don’t know said the genie”, that is really difficult. Do you have another request?”

“Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!”

The genie replied: “Will that be two lanes or four?”

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let’s go up there, apologize, and see how much that’s going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke the window?”

“Uh yeah. Sorry about that,” the husband replied. “No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes – I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“OK great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” No problem – it’s the least I could do.

And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife. “I want a house in every country of the world,” she said. “Consider it done.” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish genie?”, the husband said.

“Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.”

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?” “

35.” she replied. “And he still believes in genies??? That’s amazing!”

Three Wishes

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when “poof” a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

“I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, ” says the guy. The genie wasn’t sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

“Guy,” the genie said, “You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What’s your second wish.”

“Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.”

“That’s easy, Guy,” says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl– nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy couldn’t think of what he wanted to use his final wish for.

“Genie,” the guy said, “I can’t think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.”

“Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can’t escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you’re ready,” and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

“Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ….

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill “You have one wish.”

Bill Clinton cried “But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!” “Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you,” replied the Genie.

Bill Clinton thought hard and said “Bring peace to the middle east.” He took out a map to show the Genie.

The genie said “Nope. Can’t do that choose another wish.” This next wish came up right away.

“I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do” The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly “Um…can I take a look at that map again?”

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man,”Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there?

He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says,”I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “no kidding”!

You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!”

There were three guys stuck on an island. On of them found a lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He said for freeing me I’ll grant you each a wish.

The first guy said I wish I were 25% smarter. So poof! He was 25% smater built a raft and got off the island.

The nex guy said I wish I were 50% smarter. So poof! He was 50% smater built a canoe and got off the island.

The last guy said I wish I were 100% smarter. So poof! He was 100% turned into a girl and walked across the bridge!!

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it’s very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can  forget about three… You only get one wish!”

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii,  but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!!  Think of the logistics of that!  How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!!  No, think of another wish.”

The man said “OK, I will try to think of a really good wish”. Finally, he said,  “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.  So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing,”  know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie said, ”Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said, “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!”The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”The genie laughed loudly and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the monumental logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete! Think of all the steel! No, think of another wish.”The man said OK, sat back down and tried to think of a really good wish.Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside. I want to know what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they’re crying and know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’. Most of all, I want to know how to make them truly happy.”The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”