A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” he responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.
“Yep! Three males and two females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.”

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages… only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
At any age, a man is like Iran – ruled by a dick

How to make shopping fun for men…

Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “I think we have a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.

5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.

6. Move “CAUTION: WET FLOOR” signs to carpetted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask “Why won’t you people leave me alone?”

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti-depressant prescriptions?

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible”.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, “NO! NO! Make the voices go away!”

15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, “Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

A womans most important men:

Who are the most important men in women’s’ life:

The Doctor because he says take your clothes off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon you’ll loose interest.

A lady said, “I’d give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!”

The man said, “You’re on!. Now where is my thousand dollars?”

The lady said, “That is your first worry!”

My wife telephoned me because she couldn’t get the car started.

“I think there’s water in the carburettor, she say’s”

“Dear, I say… if you know there’s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?”

“Well it’s like this.” She said… “I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.”

Two men are walking along the beach on day when they find a bottle buried in the sand. As they are brushing the sand off, a genie pops out and tells them he will give each of them one wish.

After thinking a moment the first man says, I wish I were the world’s smartest man.”

“Done, says the genie, and the man suddenly starts explaining Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to his friend.

The second man thinks for a moment, then says, “I want to be smarter than him!”

“Done,” says the genie, and turns him into a woman!

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but couldn’t figure out how to cross it.

The first man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him the skill to chop down a tree and fashion it into a rowboat; he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river.”

Poof! God turned him into a woman, and he walked across the bridge.

Women understand that babies do not come from the stork.

When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwich’s, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.

When women see a ”caution” sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.

Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball or baseball star.

Women can stand to be wrong, while men make about excuses ”misunderstanding” and some how it is always the women’s fault.

When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and yelps, while gobbling down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show, dancing and socializing with friends.

When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine the situation.

Women understand about privacy, and won’t come in the room until 2 hours have passed.

When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the ”tough” guys that they are, will ”stay calm” until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.

Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes

Listening Passively

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me
on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She
said, “‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”