In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”

In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. “Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot”

“Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.”

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Outside a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”

Sign in a Norwegian lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: “Please do not disturb further.”

Sign in an office: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

Sign in a veterinary’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At my University’s Student center Bathrooms: “If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police.”

In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey “Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance.”

Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: “Rest Area Next Right” – the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.

A sign in the local opportunity shop says, “If your going to steal, then smile for the camera.”

Sign in a Tokyo shop: “Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.”

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: “COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: “English well talking.” “Here speeching American.”

Sign at a Budapest zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”

Sign in a realtor’s office: “Lots for little.”

Sign in a shoe store: “Come in and have a fit.”

Sign in a maternity clothes store: “We are open on labor day.”

Sign in a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: “Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: “Nobody reads billboards…. But you just did ”

An ad on the subway in NYC: “Learn to read and speak English. Call us now.”

An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: “Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.”

Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: “Used beer department.”

Sign in school: “In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.”

Sign on an asphalt truck: “Let us fill your crack!”

Office sign: “Ace exterminating – we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.”

Sign at a muffler shop: “No muff too tough for us!”

Sign on a government issue car: “Fulton county disaster coordinator.”