Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech…

1. She doesn’t need to talk to get me a beer.

2. If she’s in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.

3. If she can talk, all she’ll do is complain.

4. Because she won’t say “I will” instead of “I do.”

5. No man wants to hear “first down” during a basketball game.

6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.

7. No man needs or wants to hear the word “period” unless it has to do with hockey.

8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.

9. Affirmative action.

10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.

11. If my dick’s in her mouth, she can’t talk anyway.

12. Oprah.

13. Feminists.

14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.

15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.

16. I don’t want to be made to lie and say “I love you” after sex.

17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.

18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don’t want to hear anybody calling me back.

19. “No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I’m at the store”

20. This is my dick. I’m gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.

21. Don’t waste your breath, I won’t respect you in the morning.

22. Women sportscasters.

23. Women congressman.

24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad — see #66)

25. Marge Schott.

26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).

28. Where does speaking come into “barefoot and pregnant?”

29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.

30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.

31. I could give a shit if you’re pregnant.

32. I don’t care if you’re in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.

33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.

34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)

36. We’re tired of their “We can’t pee standing up” shit.

37. That damn apple.

38. If she can’t speak, she can’t cry rape.

39. Of course, if she can’t speak, she can’t say no.

40. Rosanne. Nuff said.

41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.

42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?

43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.

44. If she can’t talk, she can’t bitch when I forget important dates.

45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.

46. When she talks she’s not drinking, it’s hard to get her drunk when she talking.

47. Nothing should come out a woman’s mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!

48. The Mute button only works on the TV.

49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.

50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.

51. Equality is for math.

52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.

53. If it hurts, I don’t wanna hear it.

54. Marcia Clark.

55. Chick-flicks.

56. You don’t see Victoria’s Secret models talking, do you?

57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.

58. Michael Jackson.

59. Silence and sex make a great combination.

60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.

61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.

62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.

63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.

64. High phone bills really suck.

65. Women should be seen and not heard.

66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?

67. If I want romance, I’ll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).

68. Because they’re not men.

69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.

70. If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it.

71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you.

72. “Where’ve you been?” Who the fuck are you, my mother?

73. Women on radio? You can’t see them, do you really want to hear

them?

74. Unless the words are “Doctor, can you make these bigger?,” shut the fuck up.

75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they’re all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

The first guy says, “Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!”

The second goes, “Shit that’s nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!”

The third guy says, “That’s nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance won’t cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.”

The first guy leans back in and whispers, “I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.”

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up – Down – Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says – “Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???”

Mike replies – “No, he said – ‘You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

“So, how’d you break your leg?” She asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So how’d you break your arm?”

What the fuck was that?

The Mayor of Hiroshima

Look at all these fucking Indians

General Custer

Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!

– Captain of the Titanic

That’s not a fucking real gun

John Lennon

The fucking throttle’s stuck

Donald Campbell

Who’s going to fucking know?

President Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll

Henry VIII

Watch him, he’ll have some fucker’s eye out

King Harold

Scattered showers my fucking ass

Noah

Where the fuck have you been?

Stanley to Livingston

Can you smell fucking gas?

Captain of the Hindenburg

Fuck you Brutus!

Julius Caeser

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it’s his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says, “We don’t call ‘em roosters, we call ‘em cocks.”

“Okay” the man says. “I’ll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.”

“We pronounce it rubbit says the clerk.”

“Okay, I’ll take those two things and a mule to carry them home.”

“We don’t call ‘em mules, we call ‘em asses and every time the ass stops walkin’, just scratch behind his ear.”

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He’s walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks, “Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?”

Little Johnny’s dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, “Whatcha doin’ daddy?”

Johnny’s dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor. “Oh I’m just looking for this big rat I saw.” he says.

Little Johnny says, “Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?”

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. “This is Capt. Johnson, we’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto”.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot “Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?”

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

“Well”, says the skipper, “First I’m gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night”.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run dearie, he’s got to go for a shit first!”

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?”

The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”

The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.”

“And how about the Martian woman?”

The farmer replied, “That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!”

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says ‘I’m sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream’.

The lady says ‘OK, I’ll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.’

The man says ‘Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate’.

The little old lady says ‘OK, then I’ll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone’.

The man, a little more irritated this time says ‘Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla’.

The lady says V A N

The man says, ‘OK, spell straw as in strawberry’.

The lady says S T R A W.

The man says, ‘OK, now spell fuck as in chocolate’.

The lady says there ain’t no fuck in chocolate.

The man says, ‘Lady, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along!