An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are when the English man says, “You know, my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week and she bought $300 worth of meat, but we don’t even have a freezer.”

The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing. My wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can’t even drive.”

The Irishman says, “You think that’s stupid? I went home last week and my wife told me that she’d booked herself a two week holiday in the Caribbean. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn’t even have a penis…”

What did the Pollack do for his blind friend’s bachelor party?

He hired a stripper!

One evening, a Polak named Stosh Manzarek heard a loud knock on his front door from the Nazi police.

“Open up! It’s the police!”

Stosh asked his friend, “What do I do? When they hear my name and find out I’m Polish, they’ll kill me!”

“Relax,” said the friend. “Just use a different name, like Fromheim, or Heimlich, or-”

“Okay, okay!”

Stosh opens the door and a Nazi police officer is standing there.

“Name?”

Stosh answers, “Abraham Goldman.”

What happened to the dyslexic Polak?

He thought he was a dance!

(polka)

What do you call a young Mexican?

A paragraph. (Because he is not quite an essay yet.)

What’s faster than a black guy with your TV?

His brotha with your VCR.

Q: What do you call 2 blacks in a golden sleeping bag?

A: Twix

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home.
She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized
nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

There was a duckling that was crying near a lake, so an owl flew down to see what was the matter with it. “Why are you crying, duckling,” the owl asked.

“My parents walked into the middle of the road and got ran over by a truck, so I don’t know who or what I am”, said the duckling.

“Well, you’re a duckling sitting by a lake, so you must be supposed to swim,” said the owl. The duckling was amazed at the wisdom of the old owl, and asked how he could ever repay him. The owl told him to simply repay the same kindness to another creature someday.

Thrilled with his new-found sense of self, the duckling went to the lake to go for a swim, determined to someday repay the favor to another animal.

He arrived at the other side of the pond and saw a crying skunk. “Why are you crying?”, asked the duckling.

“My parents walked in the middle of the road and got ran over by a truck, so I don’t know who or what I am,” said the baby skunk.

Seeing an opportunity to repay the kindness that the owl had once shown him, he said, “Well, you’re half black, you’re half white, and you stink… you must be a Mexican.”

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

A French soldier.