Daily Jokes to Beat the Boredom » Doctor Jokes

Brokeback Mountain

admin — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 21:00:03 +0000

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, “I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS.”

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, “Doc, what can I do?”

The doctor says, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”

“No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”

What’s Up Doc?

admin — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 04:53:43 +0000

A guy says, “Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I’m getting smaller!”
Doctor replies, “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”

Repairfully Anointed

admin — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 22:53:43 +0000

A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn’t have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side (not a typical pastor), so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor’s study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. “What was that all about”? He asked. She replied, “I’m just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40.

A Genuine Court Transcript

admin — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 16:53:32 +0000

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

These Are From A Book

admin — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 22:53:33 +0000

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters – who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Patient Thinks He’s Donald Duck

admin — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 19:53:33 +0000

Patient: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I’m Donald Duck, other mornings I think I’m Mickey Mouse.”
Doctor: “Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney spells?”

Well What Haven’t I Got?

admin — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 19:53:43 +0000

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

” Crack Found On Governor’s

admin — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 04:53:50 +0000

” Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter “

” Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says “

” Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers “

” Iraqi Head, Seeks Arms “

” Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? “

” Prostitutes Appeal to Pope “

” Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over “

” Teacher Strikes Idle Kids “

” Miners Refuse to Work after Death “

” Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant “

” War Dims Hope for Peace “

” If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile “

” Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures “

” Enfield, (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide “

” Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges “

” Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge “

” New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group “

” Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft “

” Kids Make Nutritious Snacks “

” Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy “

” Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half “

” Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors “

” Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead “

An M.d. In Hell

admin — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 10:53:54 +0000

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul’s eternal afterlife. Unfortunately he’d been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn’t quite certain what to expect. Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and proclaimed, “I’ll take door #3!” “Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not possible,” exclaimed Saint Peter. “That’s NURSES’ Hell!”

Doctor, Doctor I Keep Thinking I’m A Dog.

admin — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 01:53:58 +0000

Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not allowed up on the couch!