Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.

Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

I’m just working here until a good fast food job opens up….

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

“All generalizations are false.”

“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”

Seen on an old, beat-up car: “This is not an abandoned vehicle.”

“Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death”

“Cover me. I’m changing lanes.”

“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”

“Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep”

“Work is for people who don’t know how to fish”

“Montana — At least our cows are sane!”

“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I’m just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I’m reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Ambivalent? Well yes and no….

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert….

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be … ?

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots….I married their king.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.