I poke badgers with spoons.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.

I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

That’s not a haircut, it’s a cry for help.

If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

Excess is never too much in moderation.

My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Think globally, Act galactically.

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

Don’t believe everything you think.

Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

Life is short. So buy the shoes!

Never believe generalizations.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

I don’t think, therefore I am not.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.

Avoid alliterations always.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

What would Ashton do?

Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

What would Gandalf do?

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Double your drive space. Delete Windows.

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.

MOP AND GLO – The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

I’m Canadian. It’s like being American, but without the gun.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Nuke the Whales! We’ll hunt them at night.

Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you’re a jerk.

Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?

Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.

Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.

What wouldn’t Jesus do?

If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.

I found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all the time.

So many cats, so few recipes.

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

On your mark, get set, go away!

What would Scooby do?

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Let’s skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.

If you can read this, you’re not the president.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

Liberal Arts major: will think for food.

Visualize Whirled Peas

If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer!

Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

I didn’t climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

What we need is a patch for stupidity!

Follow that car, Godzilla – and step on it!

Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.

Procrastinate now.

The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

Rehab is for quitters.

My dog can lick anyone!

I have a degree in Liberal Arts – do you want fries with that?

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.

I’m out Of Estrogen and I’ve got a gun!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Mop and Glo – The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.

NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

You – Off my planet.

If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.

I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

There’s no place like 127.0.0.1

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

In dog years, I’m dead!

South Korea’s got Seoul!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.

God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

IRS: Be Audit You Can Be

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

A day without sunshine is like night.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Old age comes at a bad time.

If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?

In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

I R S: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Out of my mind – back in five minutes.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

Hang up and drive.

Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I said “no” to drugs, but they didn’t listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU’RE still an idiot.

I fish, therefore I lie.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Honk If you want to see my finger.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Constipation causes people not to give a crap.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!

Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils — people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!

So you’re kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.

Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Your stupid!

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I’m deaf and blind.

Honk if you’ve never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.

Thank God I’m an atheist.

Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Worry. God knows all about you.

I drive the speed limit. If you don’t like it, call a cop!

Vote Democrat — it’s easier than working!

Vote Republican — it’s easier than thinking!

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Squirrels: Nature’s speed bumps.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eschew obfuscation.

“According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”

“Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.”

“How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?”

Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms”

“Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.”

“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”

“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”

“I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.”

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.

My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” …I’m sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Today’s subliminal message is: ( )

Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

“I love cats…they taste just like chicken”

“Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”

“Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician”

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….”

“Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”

“I souport publik edekasion”

“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”

“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”

“Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.”

“Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a “free” gift ? Aren’t all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.

“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Don’t get me mad! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.