This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says “listen pal I’ll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket”. To this the guy replies “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I’ve had enough to drink and it’s time to go home”.

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “What the heck,” he says to himself, “I really want a drink.”When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your willy?”The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because ‘It really Satisfies.’ “The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?”The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.”The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?”The fella proudly replies, ” ‘Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!’ “A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you guys call yours?”The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because “‘Quality is Job One” ” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY…..Like a Rock!” And gives a wink!Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.”The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “‘Why Secret?”The cowboy says, “Because it’s “STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!”

…and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”

A regular at Bob’s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

“Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender. “Who gave those beauties to you?”

“Nobody gave them to me,” said Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for both of them!”

This guy goes into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, “T.G.I.F!!” A woman next to him, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, “S.P.I.T.!!”The guy orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts “T.G.I.F.!!” The woman next to him orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts “S.P.I.T.!!!” This goes on for quite a while and finally the bartender says to the guy, “Why do you shout ‘T.G.I.F’? What does that mean?”The guy answers, “Thank God it’s Friday!!”The bartender nods. Then he asks the woman, “Why do you shout ‘S.P.I.T.??’The woman answers, “Stupid prick, it’s Thursday!!’

…and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured
the drink he remarked, “That’s quite a heavy drink.
What’s wrong?” After quickly downing his drink, the
man replies “I got home and found my wife in bed with
my best friend.” “Wow” exclaimed the bartender, as he
poured the man a second triple. “No wonder you need
a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.”
As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks
him “What did you do?” “I walked over to my wife” the
man replies, “looked her straight in the eye and told
her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get
the hell out.” “That makes sense.” said the bartender,
“but what about your best friend?” The man replied,
“I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and
said “BAD DOG!”

The bartender say, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table … whole!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff”. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.”

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says no. The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”