A Gorilla goes into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The barman thinks, “What would a gorilla know about drinks?” and charges him $20. The gorilla downs the drink and orders another.

The barman charges him the same price again. He thinks for a minute and then says to the gorilla ‘You know we don’t get many gorillas in here.”

The gorilla looks at the barman and says, ,”At these prices I don’t bloody wonder.”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the squeezed lemon would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and several tablespoons worth fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living?”

The man replied, ‘I work for the IRS.”

A pissed-off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar.

“Ok,” he shouted, “Who’s the son of a bitch that painted my horse’s balls red?”
At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down.

He said, “I did asshole. What have you got to say about that?”

“Oh,” said the cowboy. “I just thought I’d let you know… he’s ready for his second coat.”

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender replies that he doesn’t have any grapes.

The next day the duck walks into the same bar and again asks the bartender if he has any grapes, and again the bartender tells him that he doesn’t.

This goes on for a week, until the frustrated bartender warns the duck that if he asks that stupid question one more time, he’s going to staple the duck’s bill closed.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any staples?” The bartender says, “No.” So the duck says, “Good. In that case, do you have any grapes?”

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?” she asked.

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” he said.

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”

The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With the entire bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant “Take another drink”!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees, overcome with joy.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right… Right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, “He should have quit while he was a head”

A bald guy walks into a bar, turns to the noticably short bartender, and says “Hey midget, gimme a beer!”

The bartender gives the man a beer, but tells the man not to refer to him as a midget.

A few drinks later, the guy turns to the bartender and again says, “hey midget… gimme another beer!”

The bartender gets upset and warns the man about calling him a midget, but gives him his beer.

After the thrid time this happens, the bartender says, “Hey! I told you to stop calling me a midget! How would you like it if I called you ‘baldy’ if our positions were reversed?”

The guy thinks about it and admits that he wouldn’t mind. The bartender disagrees, and ultimately they agree to switch positions to let the man see how it feels.

The bartender moves to the front of the bar, and the guy moves to the back. The bartender says, “Hey baldy, gimme a beer!”

The guy leans over the bar and says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve midgets here.”

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

A gay guy walks into a bar and says “bartender give me a brewskie.”

The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”

The gay continues, “I’ll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won’t say anything.”

The bartender says, “Well, all right!” and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says “Bartender give me a beer!  I’m so thirsty I could lick the  sweat off a cow’s balls”

A voice is heard from the corner. “Moo!  Moo!  Buckaroo!”

…and the bartender came over to the first duck and says:
“what’s your name and what’ve you been doing” the duck says ” my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles” ,then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what’s your name and what’ve you been doing”, the second duck says “my names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles”, then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says “don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles” the duck replies: “no, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day”!!!