A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?” she asked.

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” he said.

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”

The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With the entire bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant “Take another drink”!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees, overcome with joy.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right… Right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, “He should have quit while he was a head”

A bald guy walks into a bar, turns to the noticably short bartender, and says “Hey midget, gimme a beer!”

The bartender gives the man a beer, but tells the man not to refer to him as a midget.

A few drinks later, the guy turns to the bartender and again says, “hey midget… gimme another beer!”

The bartender gets upset and warns the man about calling him a midget, but gives him his beer.

After the thrid time this happens, the bartender says, “Hey! I told you to stop calling me a midget! How would you like it if I called you ‘baldy’ if our positions were reversed?”

The guy thinks about it and admits that he wouldn’t mind. The bartender disagrees, and ultimately they agree to switch positions to let the man see how it feels.

The bartender moves to the front of the bar, and the guy moves to the back. The bartender says, “Hey baldy, gimme a beer!”

The guy leans over the bar and says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve midgets here.”

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

A gay guy walks into a bar and says “bartender give me a brewskie.”

The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”

The gay continues, “I’ll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won’t say anything.”

The bartender says, “Well, all right!” and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says “Bartender give me a beer!  I’m so thirsty I could lick the  sweat off a cow’s balls”

A voice is heard from the corner. “Moo!  Moo!  Buckaroo!”

…and the bartender came over to the first duck and says:
“what’s your name and what’ve you been doing” the duck says ” my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles” ,then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what’s your name and what’ve you been doing”, the second duck says “my names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles”, then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says “don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles” the duck replies: “no, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day”!!!

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says “listen pal I’ll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket”. To this the guy replies “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I’ve had enough to drink and it’s time to go home”.

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “What the heck,” he says to himself, “I really want a drink.”When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your willy?”The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because ‘It really Satisfies.’ “The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?”The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.”The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?”The fella proudly replies, ” ‘Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!’ “A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you guys call yours?”The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because “‘Quality is Job One” ” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY…..Like a Rock!” And gives a wink!Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.”The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “‘Why Secret?”The cowboy says, “Because it’s “STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!”

…and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”

A regular at Bob’s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

“Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender. “Who gave those beauties to you?”

“Nobody gave them to me,” said Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for both of them!”