Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the kings horses and all the kings men

Said fuck him! – he’s only an egg!

Little boy blew

Hey! He needed the money!

“Fresh in from the JokesGalore.com News Wire…”

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.

If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded we have more breaking news…

We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song!

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal…stay tuned…

Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”

The cop answers, “You’re in Philadelphia son.

When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.” The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.”

The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, “I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!

Special High Intensity Training – S.H.I.T.

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees

FROM: Communications Services

SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “ONE CENT – that’s awesome!” exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?”

“Certainly, sir, “replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.” “How much money?” inquires the guy. “4 cents,” replies the bartender.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy… “Where’s the Guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies… “Same as I’m doing to his business!”

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $

200.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters – “Pizza delivery guy”.

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy’s reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don’t know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won’t let them out.

Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he’s a chicken! Doctor: How long has this been going on?

Girl: About a year. Doctor: Wow! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

Girl: Because we needed the eggs!

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.

“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.

“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

“I walked up the trail to the gate,” Joe continued.

“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.

“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.

“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.

“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.

“Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.

“Pew,” Charlie retorted.

“Yeah,” recalled joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it’s not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you’re bad.

Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!

T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!

Atheism: No shit.

Jehovah’s Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism: There’s nothing like a good shit happenin’.

Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

Existentialism: What is shit anyway?

Stoicism: This shit doesn’t bother me.

Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit!